Heard

The clatter of forks and knifes on ceramic plates the hum and buzz of conversation is more soothing than the sound of my voice. But my silence unnerves the elders and the sleeping.

If I say nothing; something is wrong if I share freely; I get critiqued.

I am well
Work is good
Family is good,

how are you, that’s too bad, well there’s always next season, we should definitely catch up, I’ll call you.

Just dance through not listening, no one’s listening.

What do you mean no one is listening?

I just meant these gatherings are something that is expected of society.

Why?

No man is an island. One must build relationships and stay connected with family.

Your not listening to each other so how can you support each other?

Well if we are connected we can make strides for success and goals.

Your not discussing success, goals, or growth. Your just reciting your script. What will happen if you speak freely?

When I get started they will criticize and try to censor me.

Or?

They can agree or add insight.

So?

I should stand in my truth and abide in the light that I am. It will draw more light or cast the shadows of those without light.

Ok go back out there and know “I am listening, I hear you, I see you, I know you, and we are one”

Here and Now

It was a Tuesday and in town there was a taco truck set up by main street. Edwin usually loved his long walk in but today his feet had a hard time getting out of bed. His dog died the afternoon before. He burried her under their cherry tree. He had slept in and just musterd the energy to roll out of bed and was leaning over his counter for the kettle to whistle. He was startled by the gate bell over the sounds of the afternoon train passing in the distance. Edwin always kept his favorite shot gun above the door frame so it wasn’t fear but curiosity he had waiting to see who was approaching. Darla wasn’t giving her clues waging, whimpering, or her low growl. The absence was felt. Edwin could now see a woman wearing golden brown hat with a green ribbon. The ribbon changed regularly but he knew who this was.

“Hello Anna.”

“Hey sir, didn’t see you and Darla at town square so I brought you two tacos”

“Darla died yesterday, her body is under the cherry tree but we thank you for your thoughtfulness”

“Oh shit, what happened?”

He swallowed “she got into a fight with something and came back wounded. She had three days of suffering but I’m glad she is at peace.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that. She was amazing and will be missed”

“Thank you”

“Are you up to eat? We could eat under the cherry tree.”

And with a grin and a nod they walked through the garden path and down to the cherry tree. The spoke of Darla, memories of their youth, and laid together in the shade. As her head rested on his shoulder she asked him “Edwin are you going to be okay here alone?” He replied “I’m not alone.”

Justified Open Soul Empties Poetic Hymns

My first and only love. I still have trouble describing the feeling I had when I saw you for the first time. It was more than attraction or lust. It was like something in me awoken. Like my children of now we’re calling my name and I had never heard their voice. It was a zing. It was my soul reaching and stretching for you. I loved you at first sight. I think I loved you before I met you. It’s been over a decade and my heart still skips a beat when I hear your voice. I get lost in your eyes. I awaken at your touch. I feel safe in your arms. We have been through so much together. Even in my ties of frustration, I can’t deny who you are to me. How my soul sings for you, how my mind traces the shape of you, how my body dances for you. There is no denying; I am yours. I’m proud to call you my husband, the father of my children, my best friend. I loved you then, loving you now, and will love you for eternity.

Seated Change

I sit in the seat

I observe the place I chose to be

The place that my choices and environment led me

I blamed the environment and said my choice was forced

But I chose to be where I am and I choose to be where I want to be.

So to be at peace I can choose to stay,

choose to be happy,

choose to grow and let my environment bring me where I want to be

So I plant my feet, feed my roots, and I will grow into who I want to be.

Thirsty

I didn’t cleanse
Want a new lense
A window to you life
To ease up personal strife
I don’t want to drop it
The focus changes the topic

I’m selfish
I don’t want advice,
I don’t want to vent
So I stay up and write
I want you to notice
So I bug you and then
Pray you see what I cry with my pen

Whole

You hold me and I feel shackled. I dream of freedom. You keep me close so I don’t wonder but you steal away in the shadows of the night. You tell me idol time is the devil’s work shop. Yet play when I’m away. If I stop playing the game, if I walk away… The hole would be so deep and wide I fear I would be more hole than whole. My love for you is real. I want you forever and always. I guess I’m just a peacock begging you to let me fly.

Shell Fish 🌊

I will write on the shores of the elementary to get closer to fishing for my voice in the sound to afraid to dive past the past channels sitting watching pnbrock and other Will Smith adjacents. Searching for features of my memories. Searching for comfort. Finding pieces but knowing there is nothing compared to the perfection I truly seek. Knowing what I seek is unattainable. My voice trapped leaving me speechless. Thanking the seas for squid ink. Maybe my feelings will float off the page and rattle the world. Maybe manifestation is the purpose of my anguish. All these thoughts running, I need to slap them to lines, bars, formation. Ursula tempts with legs but I know all I need is my tail. Wetter is better, take it from me.

Inner dialogue

I knew I would love you forever when we stayed up all night with mountain dew and video games. You chased me and I resisted. You were smarter, stronger, wiser, more confident. You were the mirror I couldn’t stand to look at. I aspire to be you. You are better than me in every way. I can’t believe such a majestic creature would not only desire me but also listened to me, took time for me, waited on me. I feared that you would stop chasing me if you truly knew I was just like all the other girls. That I have potential but am pathetically hopeless. That I’ve opened my third eye but choose to close it because what terrifying. I am a coward because I knew what you were and what I’m supposed be and I rejected it. I love you then for who you were, now for who you are, and forever for any version you become. You were my big brother, my Friend, my love. I miss you. But I know you are with me, I know we are one, I know time will pass, I know this means nothing and everything.

My Friend

When I am alone, when I have no distractions I get sad. I have a good life. I have a spouse who now loves me, doesn’t cheat anymore and now wants a future with me. I have beautiful, smart, strong, healthy children that I adore. I have family who are caring and supportive. I don’t have the one person that I want to hear from every day.

He was kind, honest, sincere, giving, funny, smart, charming and so much more. So when I’m sad and nothing else seems to matter and I’m going into my void. In my void pass the fear of my children not having a mother, pass the questions of what lies on the other side, entering the emptiness… I think of my friend. When I strain to remember his voice my eyes water. I close my eyes and see his intimidating statuesque face crack a smile. I smile in return. I feel again. I feel him. He brings me back. I latch onto him as we emotional vampires do. Reaching out just to feel again. Then realizing he doesn’t need me and I am a selfish piece of shit that doesn’t deserve to cross bridges that I’ve burned. I’m nothing more than a soul trapped in a carbon prison restricted to societal obligations. Nothing truly matters. We live to die. Pointless race to Oblivion. How good it would feel to close my eyes and sleep and dream of him forever.